Possibility

I've gone from having zero job leads to having three. Was it only last week when I thought I'd be joining the guys selling the Spirit down the block from my house? It's very exciting, and also nerve-wracking; somehow, coming so close to a job without actually closing a deal puts me on the edge even more than having no possibilities at all.

What do I want to be when I grow up? The age-old question continues to puzzle me. Until now, I haven't been in a situation where my income was the main source of my support, so I've been free to explore possibilities at my own pace. Now, however, I don't have that luxury; I need to bring in at least $2500 next month to pay all the bills. ParentsConnect was good and all, but I'm realizing that unless something like that drops in my lap in the next two weeks, I'm going to have to clock in at work like millions of other Americans do each day.

Part of me wants to just take the first job that will pay well (I say this as if they were a dime a dozen); drug dealing aside, I do see the need for a reliable income stream right now. With three kids needing new shoes, I'm not so sure I can stomach a return to the life of a freelance musician. "But what about me?" cries my new self, the one who is listening to itself and loving it and making courageous choices and living with them. "You thrive on being creative and passionate and detail-oriented and visionary," it repeats, as I comb mercilessly through the want ads.

I can hardly speak of my job leads, for fear of jinxing them. None of them is to the point of an offer, yet the conversations (and the job descriptions) all sound promising, should the contingencies resolve themselves. That's a big 'should' - one of them depends on the current person taking a proposed leave of absence; another depends on a non-profit board coming up with suitable funding in the middle of the fiscal year. Maybe all will come through, maybe none. Come March 1, I just need one.

The book I'm reading right now is helping me cope with the anxiety of it all. Written by a husband-wife team that includes the director of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, The Art of Possibility is reinventing the way that I look at my life as a job seeker, musician, parent, and individual. It's feel-good and self-help for sure, but within its pages I am finding the encouragement to tolerate the uncertainty I'm in. I love the fact that it's written by a musician who understands the neurotic and perfectionistic tendencies I have. I love the fact that it speaks of changing what is in my power to change - the way I look at things - as a means of changing everything else. I love the fact that it puts forth a good case for even difficult circumstances being a springboard for infinite possibilities.

Give it a once-over, and tell me what you think.

photo credit: Penguin Group